lucy@bingefreeandworthy.com

“How do I tell someone I love about my binge eating?” Part 1

Lucy Newport • Oct 18, 2022

Reading time: 7 mins

Telling someone you love that you binge eat can be an incredibly vulnerable and scary thing; whether that’s a parent, partner, adult child, close friend or anyone else. I remember getting to the point in my previous relationship where I felt like I couldn’t keep my bingeing a secret any longer. And that had a lot to do with the fact that I needed support. I needed to let someone in and I was terrified at how I’d be received. 


Perhaps you’re in a similar place and know that part of your recovery is allowing someone close to you in. If so, I really do honour you and these very brave steps you’re about to take.


The most important thing 

In this guide, I’m going to share some things for you to consider when telling this person about your binge eating, but that’s what this is; a guide. I’d love for you to take a little time for yourself and reflect on your relationship with that person, the ways that you feel it’s best to share with them, and what you’d like from your conversation.


Get clear on why you’re telling them

Before opening up to someone about your bingeing, firstly know within yourself what you want from the conversation. Do you simply want them to understand what’s going on for you? Or are you also wanting support from them? If so, what kind of support do you need; emotional, accountability, financial or something else? What does this support ideally look like?


Knowing the answer to these questions will help you to be clear, ask for what you need and overall feel more satisfied with your conversation. 

How to tell them

Wherever possible, I recommend that you tell this person about your binge eating in person. This hopefully means that you can experience yourself being listened to (many of us just want to be seen and heard), and it also makes it easier for them to ask questions. Although it’s scary, once you start talking it might be easier for you to open your heart to them and really allow yourself to share from this vulnerable space. 


If you want to cry, let it come and express the emotion behind what you’re going through. This type of sharing might seem messy and uncontrolled, but that’s okay. Sometimes you’ve just got to let it out! And it’ll help this person to understand where you’re truly at. 


I know that speaking in person isn’t always possible, and in that case, you might want to speak over a voice or video call. However, if you really feel that you won’t be able to say what you want, either in person or on a call, you can always write a letter or an email. You might find that this helps you to form what you want to share in a more precise and constructive way. In fact, writing out what you want to say might be a helpful exercise, whether speaking to this person or not. Reading what you’ve written allowed to your person can also be a great way of sharing.



Finding the right time and place

I don’t mean for you to get caught up in waiting for the exact perfect moment, because the chances are, it’ll never come! But do think about where you feel comfortable talking openly, for both you and them. 


For example, you might find it easier to have this conversation when at home, rather than out and about. You might also want to broach the subject when you have plenty of time ahead of you so you don’t feel the need to rush what you have to say. 

Have resources ready 

There are a lot of misconceptions about binge eating, and most people don’t know that binge eating disorder is even a thing! Therefore I recommend that you have some information to hand in case they have questions or need more clarity about what you’re going through. 


My article “What is binge eating disorder?” might be a helpful page to have ready, as well as the Binge Eating Disorder page from BEAT, an eating disorder charity here in the UK. 


You can also send them these resources to look through in their own time, especially if they express that they want to understand more about binge eating. 



Avoid the blame game

This point won’t be for everyone and is very nuanced depending on each situation and relationship, but I feel it has to be shared. There are lots of reasons why we binge eat and you might feel like this person has played a role in your disordered eating. Perhaps they’ve made comments about your body or the way you eat, or they’ve caused you emotional stress, even trauma. 


If this is the case, you might feel like you want this person to understand the impact they’ve had on you and this is completely understandable. It can be incredibly healing to express that. However, if this is the first time you’re sharing about your binge eating with this person, avoid placing the blame on them. Many of us become defensive when we feel we’re to blame and it’ll likely shut down your conversation, or at least make it harder for you.


Of course, share things like “In the past when you’ve said X, it’s made me feel like Y” if you can without their walls going up. If not, see this as an introductory conversation and know that once you’ve shared your challenges, it’ll be easier to have more conversations about their role further down the line. 


I also believe that self-responsibility is an important part of any healing journey, and this is something that we can go into more in my 1-1 coaching. When you feel yourself going into the role of the victim, it’s a helpful practice to reflect and see where you haven’t been taking full responsibility for yourself. 

Be compassionate towards yourself, and them

This point links with the one above. As you go through this process of opening up and sharing these often uncomfortable and personal stories with others, please be really kind to yourself. You are doing your best with the tools and awareness that you have right now. 


Also, know that what you’re sharing may come as a shock to the person you’re talking to, especially if you’re close and they had no idea about your binge eating. They may need some time to digest what you’ve said and to fully understand you, so try not to expect too much from them right away.


Feel and share your appreciation

This may seem like such a small thing, but gratitude is powerful and we all want to feel appreciated! I am assuming here that your conversation at least goes reasonably well, so acknowledge how it feels to share and let this person know, along with your thanks. 


Even if it’s just for a few seconds, thank yourself too! Really allow that sense of gratitude (and perhaps the relief you’re feeling!) to permeate through your body. You are doing a brave thing and that’s absolutely worth celebrating. This is important because our minds love to focus on the negatives, so practice being with and feeling the good stuff too. Let it in.


Keep the conversation going

With these difficult-to-have conversations, it can be tempting to shy away from having them again. But I’ve learnt just how important it is to keep them going and to take action on whatever your next steps are. You don’t want to get stuck here so keep the momentum going. 


To have a more open dialect about binge eating and your experiences, normalise the subject. Bring it up in smaller ways and in everyday conversations. This can be anything from “I’m less likely to binge later if I enjoy dessert out with you now” to “I experienced binge urges yesterday and I didn’t act on them. This is a huge step forward for me!”.



I’ve also interviewed my ex-partner of 12 years as a follow-up to this guide, sharing our personal experience from when I told him about my own binge eating. It’s full of helpful insights which you can read here. 


I do hope these resources support you in telling the person or people you love about your binge eating, and that you’re feeling more reassured and prepared. If there are any questions, other perspectives you want to share or comments about how your conversation went, I’d love for you to write them below ❤️

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